I can't begin to imagine the weight on your shoulders when it comes to your family and your education, and that weight must be infinitely multiplied when those two paths cross. I know I have let you down in this area, twice, in huge ways. All I can ever say is I am sorry.
It is obvious to me how much I let you down now. I can't explain why I didn't see it then. I know I am too trusting. I am used to a family that shares things and uplifts those who need it. And you know I am only trying to do what I think is best. But those are all excuses, not reasons. I have been looking forward for two days to hear about the talks you had with your Dad, even if there was only marginal improvement. There is nothing more I want than for you and your dad to not hate each other anymore, regardless of what he thinks of me. I'd take him hating me for years if it meant you two could get along again.
I have been very nervous about the next three months, whether I show it or not. I am excited to buy my pass soon and get to Disney in two weeks. I looked over my schedule today and I should get at least a week in Disney in the beginning of May, if not more! It appears I have no finals, just projects during the last week of class!! Not only am I excited to finalize the trip in two weeks, I'm getting ready to start working on the next one!
I am sick of this feeling that I have let you down. So in classic Evan, I tried to make up for it by doing things for you. Since you called, I have been on the lccc.edu website and completed all the work and discussion posts for both classes possible. I missed the first chapter of nutrition, but it's not worth a ton of points. I drafted an e-mail to your professor explaining why you (I) missed the first chapter for you to look it. If it looks good, send it. And I already made it up to your professor by completing Project 1 about three weeks before it is due! I am fully versed in how the Nutrition class works now and we'll be good to go there
With speech, I didn't tell you that you had to film the introductory video by now. Fortunately it is not worth any points, although she did send an e-mail through the course log-in asking why it had not been done. I crafted another e-mail in your LCCC gmail to her, explaining why it hadn't been done (mostly making up an excuse because it was my fault for not telling you sooner). If that looks good, send it and we will work together tomorrow whenever you're free to film and upload it, just to make sure we have the technological capabilities.
Finally, I have felt so guilty for suggesting you take this speech class this semester. I know you have said multiple times that you wish you had waited until the Summer and you're right, it would have been much easier. I actually called the registrar today, asking a hypothetical about how it would work dropping a class that was already paid for. They said you would get half the money sent back to the address that paid the check but the other half they keep. This is up to you...if it is going to cause you too much stress to film these speeches, let's do it and I'll pay the appx $300 difference to your Dad. That's a very fair price for you to have peace of mind. However, if you want to do it this semester, please let me know how I can help you. Beyond doing the discussion posts and what not, I will do anything I can to help you actually record the speeches, starting tomorrow helping you film the introductory speech and uploading it.
There is nothing I hate more than letting you down. I wish I could trade positions with you every day. I can't imagine not having my parents support. I literally don't know how to fathom that. I hate that even when I try to comprehend you telling me what its like, I will never truly understand. I stress about this every day. I get great anguish and pain thinking about how terrible it must be for you and yet I can't do a thing about it. It's not fair to you. Period.
But nothing brings me more anguish than having you upset with me. You know how much I yearn for the flat line of emotion, the anti-roller coaster. I wish every day was simple and easy and we each loved each other and nothing else. But I need to learn how to deal with situations that aren't how I view ideal. Because whether or not my "ideal" is right or wrong is irrelevant. I need to adapt to you rather than forcing you to adapt to me. It's not fair for me to expect, ask or even want you to change who you are. And truth betold, I love the high's on the roller coaster. There's nothing better than getting the "rawr's" and "meows" and "i love you so much's" that come with the high of the roller coaster.
So now we're at the bottom of the roller coaster. How am I going to handle myself, hopefully better than the past three and a half years? Hopefully you saw a difference with the phone call, as terrible as the topic was. I didn't try to make excuses for myself, I didn't try to solve the problem or deflect blame. I truly felt terrible. And I still do. I want to give you your space and that's why I am writing this blog-post today. I am hoping to turn over a new leaf. I never want to be the cause of anguish for you (you know, unless you're just dead wrong then I have to correct you...sorry, I had to throw one joke in there). I want to give you your space so I have set everything up for you to have it. I am not calling or texting but I have left Skype on until my computer falls asleep. I have done everything possible with your classses and e-mails, so you can proceed with your professors emails and what not even if you don't want to talk to me.
I want to be better. That's why I'm writing this blogpost. Hopefully this will be proof you can carry around that even when I inevitably let you down, you know I am always trying and wanting to be better. I want you to be the happiest Rachelfox possible and today I did the opposite of that. But as midnight approaches, I hope tomorrow I can get closer to making you as happy as you deserve to be. I love you more than anything. I even bought your Valentine's Day presents today and can't wait for you to open the one.
So maybe this blogpost was a dumb idea, and maybe it doesn't make you feel any better or god forbid makes things worse. If that's the case, I am sorry. I want to be better. So I will try something else, something different, and something new. Because I will never, ever stop trying to make you as happy as you make me. I will fail, likely many times along the way, but I will never stop trying to be better. I will try. And I will fail. But as long as each fail is followed with another try, I hope it will prove to you that I want to be better.
I love you. And I'm sorry. And I suck at blogs so I hope you see the spirit behind it rather than the presentation. I have no creativity we know that, but at least this didn't involve any pinning fabric.
